A Life With Love is a Life That's Been Lived~12.29.23

     "It's been a year. And I ain't saying it ain't been a good one. It's been a did a lot more than I could one. It's been 365 record lows and record highs, loving and losing, fun and confusing, praying and shifting gears. For the minute you've got, it's probably a lot more than you wanna hear. So all I'll say is, it's been a year." 

        -Ashely Cooke

    For those of you who may not know, we lost my mom after a long battle with cancer on December 20. Some of you have walked alongside myself and my family in during all the way through her journey and some of you may not have. None the less, I feel as if it is my duty to share her story, her life, and her beauty through her story and her journey. So, feel free to stick around and read, though it might possibly be the longest post I've ever shared. ♥

    On April 12, 2022, I was at work as if it was any other day. For me, it was. I vividly remember sitting in our "two-year old" classroom next to a child and patting their back preparing for nap time when I got a notification on my apple watch that my dad was calling me. I found it odd, knowing that my dad was aware that I could not have my phone on my person at work (at the time I was not working for the county school system). I declined my dad's call, thinking I would call him back shortly when I went on my break. It wasn't thirty-seconds later and he called me again. I once again declined the call, but immediately texted to ask if I needed to call, while he simultaneously texted me stating, "call me now." I knew the situation was urgent. I quickly asked another staff member to step into the room while I made the phone call to my dad. You see, I was aware that my mom had taken a fall a few weeks prior and had hit the side of her face and her head, but I was not aware of the couple weeks following that fall where she had been experiencing many headaches, much more fatigue than usual, some minor memory issues, and a few other symptoms that just seemed out of character for her. That day my dad had finally convinced her to go get checked out just for peace of mind, in which the primary care doctor had sent her to have some further scans that my dad informed me (through that phone call) showed my mom had a tumor and major swelling in her brain. My father informed me that my mom was being med-flighted from Kingsport, TN back to Knoxville in which she would be admitted to UT Medical Center and none of us knew what she or any of us were about to face. I can remember standing in that hallway at my job and barely being able to breathe for the tears that began to flow as I hung up the phone with my dad that day. I walked to the front of the building and explained in some sort of half-coherent fashion to my boss that I needed to leave. I don't remember driving home or even getting there, the next thing I remember was laying in my room when Nathaniel finally got home from work a few hours later and my sister calling me shortly after. My sister was calling to inform that after further testing at UTMC they had determined that my mom had a serious brain tumor and would need surgery, they were fairly certain it was cancer. I remember becoming so sick to my stomach that all I could do was sit on our bathroom floor. 

    This was obviously life-changing news for myself, my dad, my mom, my sister, my fiancé (at the time, now husband), my grandparents, and everyone around us. I can remember thinking, "my mom is too young," "I'm planning my wedding," "what is next?" 

    Two days later, on April 14, 2021, (Good Friday that year) my mom would undergo the first of many surgeries to help treat her brain tumor. This tumor now had a name and a true diagnosis. My mom was facing a glioblastoma. A fairly rare form of brain cancer with a prognosis of 8-14 months. This tumor was fairly large, but after undergoing surgery, the tumor was successfully removed and mom began recovering in order to begin secondary treatment. Unfortunately, just a few short days after being discharged from the hospital my mom would be admitted again to undergo yet another surgery, to get rid of an infection that had formed. While all this was occurring, my mom's biggest worry and most vocal concern to the doctors was the fact that she was at the hospital and not able to see me at my graduation from community college. YA'LL! My mom was fighting brain cancer and healing from surgery and she was worried about seeing my graduate from COMMUNITY college. (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with community college at all, but my biggest concern was getting her well, not me waltzing across some stage with an expensive piece of paper!) 

    My mom did heal well from both initial craniotomies and began a very stiff regiment of chemotherapy and radiation. On July, 12 2022 she rang the bell and had finished her treatments! I can remember absolutely bawling my eyes out with joy and pride of how hard she worked and how strong she was! The very same evening her Sunday school class and church family organized a surprise ice cream social at a local creamery to celebrate the end of her treatments! It was such an honor to celebrate her and be there with her, especially while enjoying one of our favorite sweet treats! 

    One month later on August 27, 2022, my mom attended mine and my husbands wedding and helped prepare and make the day absolutely beautiful! I was so grateful she was able to be there, help me get ready, zip my dress up, spend quality time together making lasting memories, and feel well that day. It was a beautiful summer and such a perfect memory with her there. 

    Yet, in October of 2022 things would shift once again. My mom would have a routine MRI that would reveal that the tumors had returned and that she once again needed another surgery. This time there were two. One had returned in the same spot, on her frontal lobe and one was floating. The doctor wanted her to undergo the surgery as soon as she could, and on November 3, 2022, my mom underwent her third craniotomy. The fear that surged through my body this time was different. See, some people are never able to have their tumors removed, some may have the surgery once, and some twice, but no one ever has a third surgery for tumor removal. The tumor board will only approve two surgeries for removal. I can remember standing with my mom before she went back that day, trying to hold back all my tears, and she looked at me and said, "No matter what happens today, promise me you'll be kind to each other and take care of each other." I promised her I would. The surgery was successful once again and mom began to recover. Yet, just over a month later, she would undergo one more surgery to removed another infection. 

    After 4 craniotomies, my mom continued chemotherapy and continued traveling with family and living her life to the absolute fullest. She went to Disney World to celebrate my younger sisters birthday, multiple trips to the beach (her favorite place), she spent time at the lake, and she did absolutely anything she could and wanted to do because this was simply a label to her, not a stopping point. 

    My mom was doing well and had several follow up MRIs with no change. It seemed the chemotherapy had been working and her cancer was stable. We had the opportunity at the end of September 2023 to take a trip as a whole family of twelve to Florida to celebrate my mom's forty-fifth birthday and her younger brother's birthday, as well! It was the small vacation we all needed and the quality time we truly all loved spending together! 

    Everything truly seemed like it was going fairly well considering my mom's diagnosis until October 11, 2023 when my mom was experiencing some severe back pain and decided to go to the hospital to be checked out. It seemed as if she was experiencing some kidney stones, possibly, but better safe than sorry. It was a total shock when the doctors informed us that my mom had a large pulmonary saddle embolism, a small blood clot in her leg, colitis, and a few compressed vertebrae. My mom began treatment for the blood clots and colitis and spent a week in the hospital before deciding that being transferred to an inpatient rehabilitation facility was the best opportunity for her to regain some strength before going home again. We had the opportunity to celebrate holidays and birthdays with her in this facility! Thanksgiving made nineteen and a half months my mom had been battling cancer and that is four-ish months longer than the doctors had originally told us! (But if you've ever met my mom, she's stubborn and like things to go her way. :))

    Side note: when my mom was diagnosed with cancer in April of 2022, she knew right then and there that whatever her timeline, whatever her treatment, no matter what happened she had faith that God was going to take care of her and that His will was going to be done in her life. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this world was not her home and she rested assured that there was more than this life waiting for her. 

    My mom was placed on hospice somewhere around the beginning of December. I'll be completely honest with you, and say that the details are a little blurry. I spent a lot of time with her anyways, but I made it an absolute point to spent every waking moment I could there, without endangering the lives of others from starvation or exhaustion. My mom truly fought her battle hard, but on December 20, 2023 she met her Savior face to face and won her battle. No more pain, no more suffering, no more medicine, no tears, no doctors, or anything else that she hated. She'll never worry if the tumors are worse or if she's forgetting the right words ever again. She got to see my great aunt, my great-grandparents, my papaw, and so many others we've loved. I rest, just like her, in the assurance of the fact that I have a home beyond this earth where I will see her again someday. I had the honor of standing by her side on many occasions in my life, she brought me into this world, and I got to be with her as she left. 

    On December 28, 2023 we honored her life. I have never been to a "funeral," that was quite as "happy," if you will, or as celebrated as my mom's was. My mom's life was truly celebrated. If you never had the pleasure of knowing my mom, she loved Jesus, she loved people (most at least), and she had the biggest, brightest smile, that commanded the attention of the entire room! Almost every person I saw or had the honor of meeting talked about her bright, beautiful smile, how strong she was, and how she radiated the love of the Lord. My mom was one of the most generous, kind, caring, loving, Godly, funny people you would ever meet in your life. 

    My mother has left a lasting legacy and testimony for so many people. I pray to be half of woman she was. I will miss her. I will cry and things will never be quite the same. But they will get easier as time goes on. There are moments I still want to grab my phone and tell myself, "Just wait until I tell my mom this!" Yet, I already know she's probably laughing at it too.  

    

    Ed Sheeran wrote a song called "Supermarket Flowers," and in it there's a line that says "A life with love is a life that's been lived. So I'll sing Hallelujah. You were an angel in the shape of my mum. You got to see the person I have become, spread your wings. And I know that when God took you back, He said, 'Hallelujah, you're home.'"

    My mom's life was a life well lived, filled with love. Love for Jesus. Love for others. And others who loved her. So if I can tell you anything, live your life in a way that you leave a legacy behind and make sure you know that if something happened today, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you have a home beyond this earth.