My Story...
This is a post I have avoided doing thus far, simply because I was scared. I am still kind of scared. I afraid of just putting it all out there and everyone kind of seeing who I really am, whether they already know me or not. This is a big step of faith for me, and I'm hoping that it reaches someone who needs to hear it and needs love! This is my testimony and story and this is what Jesus has done for me.
So I was born in Knoxville, TN, but I moved to North Carolina when I was five, so that my dad could go to seminary. When I was six or seven, I told my dad that I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. I did and got baptized about a month later by my dad, and my whole family traveled six hours to see it.
Well as I grew up, we moved back to Knoxville when I was 9, and sometime around age twelve I realized I wasn't saved like I thought I was. So, I asked Jesus into my heart for real this time and my dad baptized me again.
During this time, I was diagnosed with anxiety around the time I was ten or so. Finding that out, I somewhat let it become my identity. It began to control me and everything I did. We had tried some medications and they didn't work for me, so I had to learn to deal with it on my own and rely on the Lord. So that's what I did.
I then just kind of move on with my life and really sort of lost my fire for Jesus. Well, as I got into seventh grade, some guys in my class began to be SUPER mean and nasty to me. They called me fat, ugly, stupid, and a list of so many other things that aren't even worth repeating. I slowly started to believe these lies, without realizing it, because that's all I ever seemed to hear for eight hours a day, five days a week. I began to think that I wasn't worth anything and that I didn't matter to anyone. I needed some way to release all this pain that I was feeling, so my only outlet seemed to be hurting myself. It doesn't make sense now, but some how, hurting myself made the pain of their words so much less. So from October 2014 until July 11, 2017, I developed a self-harm addiction. I even thought my life itself wasn't worth anything for a good, long while.
Yet once again, the Lord came through for me and provided someone for me to talk to about everything going on in my head. I didn't want to talk to my parents or anyone who thought I needed "help." God provided my seventh and eighth grade history teacher, (go read my "People Who Have Impacted Me" post), for me to talk to and just vent about it all.
Coach Daft had found out what I had been doing to myself and just started talking to me and checking on me. He asked me how the day was going, if I had eaten, (I stopped eating a lot when they started telling me I was fat.), and asked if I had made good choices the night before. (Making good choices meant that I had chosen the high road and not cut the night before after school.)
I'll never forget, no matter what had happened the night before or that day, he would always tell me, "I love you kid. I give a rip about you. You are valuable."
This went on for two years, until my mom decided to homeschool me, starting my freshman year of high school. Even then, Coach Daft had given me his school e-mail so that I could talk if I needed anything.
Moving forward, in August 2016, I had to have surgery and began to be very sick after my surgery due to an unknown food allergy. Due to me being sick all the time, I lost a lot of weight; like sixty pounds in four months. At this point, I had kind of stopped eating all together and began to become anorexic. I had a specific weight I had to stay above or I was in deep trouble.
The following summer, I went to a camp at a friend's church. The camp started on Monday morning and went until Friday evening. The Lord started to work in my heart on Monday night and convict me of what I was doing to myself. I knew my body was supposed to be a temple, but I didn't really care. That was the one thing in my life that I had complete control over, and I planned on controlling it. I can just remember hearing Jesus saying, "Give it up, my child. You can be free. You can be clean. You can be healthy. I love you. You are mine."
So I talked to one of my leaders on Tuesday night after service, and he told me his testimony and that he had been through the same things. So that night he and his wife just prayed over me and I gave it all up. I quit cutting and started eating. I walked out of depression and fear and learned what it was like to love life again.
That was July 11, 2017, and all glory to God, I've been clean ever since.
SIDE NOTE- In March 2017, I performed at my piano recital and sang "Set A Fire," and that is the moment when God called me into worship ministry. I will never forget the feeling of hearing the Lord speak that over me and call me into the great unknown.
In October of 2017, I began to find myself infatuated with a guy. We had officially started dating in March of 2018, but had been an item for a while. He had been the first one to meet me as a new friend after my crazy history. That relationship didn't last very long and things went south. We are no longer together and God has blessed me beyond anything I could ever imagine with a new beau.
In November of 2017, I found out I was going to be moving about an hour away. I struggled with the thoughts of leaving Knoxville. For me it meant that I was losing my "boyfriend," my family, and all my friends. Knoxville was the only portion of my life that I remembered well. It was home to me. I FOUGHT my parents and God about it. But, we moved at the end of November 2017.
Even though we had moved, I didn't really stop fighting God and begin to enjoy our lives here until the middle of March 2018.
I went to summer camp the last week of June 2018. Since we had moved, my anxiety had been at an all time high. I was having anxiety attacks everyday, multiple times a day, even.
So Tuesday night, June 26, 2018, me and all the girls in my cabin got talking about anxiety and the bondage it had on my life. One of the girls in my cabin asked if they could all come sit on my bed and pray over me. They did, and as soon as my roommate began to pray, I could physically feel the anxiety leave my body. (It still gives me chills to type it) Then my counselor, Brittany, told me that while my roommate was praying that God had given her a vision of me and it was so crazy.
Brittany said, "God showed her that I was standing in the center of a circle full of people who were anxious and scared. I then just laid down on the ground and became a river. Everyone quickly rested in peace and was okay." It is still crazy to think about, but God works in such mighty ways.
(I made it without a single anxiety attack for eighteen weeks.)
On Thursday night of that same week, I decided that it was time to give everything to God. It was time to surrender to family, my job, my church, my school, my future plans, my future relationships, my friendships, and EVERYTHING. The release that came from that was freeing.
On Saturday, June 30, 2018, I was baptized in Norris Lake. That baptism was a declaration of freedom and complete surrender to Jesus. I was drowning anxiety, fear, and everything else in the blood of Jesus. I was the only one who was supposed to be baptized that night, but because I took a step in faith, so many others decided to step out and drown things in Jesus' blood, as well.
Being baptized was such a step in faith for me, because I was afraid of what my parents would say. For me it was more important to listen to what Jesus was telling me, than to worry about anything else.
God has been so amazing and providing more than I could ever imagine, ever since.
Thank you for reading my story. I hoped it helped you or touched you in some way. No, I do not have all my life together...not even close. I still struggle with anxiety and I still struggle with not feeling "small enough" or "pretty enough," that's just life. But let me tell you, Jesus can bring you from the bottom of the deepest, darkest pit you can imagine yourself being in. I love you all so much!!
love always,
Iz💛💛
"If I told you my story, you would hear hope, that wouldn't let go. And if I told you my story, you would love, that never gave up. And if I told you my story, you would hear life, but it wasn't mine. If I should speak, then let it be of the grace that is greater than all my sin and when justice was served and where mercy wins...of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in. Oh to tell you my story, is to tell of Him."
-My Story, Big Daddy Weave
Yet once again, the Lord came through for me and provided someone for me to talk to about everything going on in my head. I didn't want to talk to my parents or anyone who thought I needed "help." God provided my seventh and eighth grade history teacher, (go read my "People Who Have Impacted Me" post), for me to talk to and just vent about it all.
Coach Daft had found out what I had been doing to myself and just started talking to me and checking on me. He asked me how the day was going, if I had eaten, (I stopped eating a lot when they started telling me I was fat.), and asked if I had made good choices the night before. (Making good choices meant that I had chosen the high road and not cut the night before after school.)
I'll never forget, no matter what had happened the night before or that day, he would always tell me, "I love you kid. I give a rip about you. You are valuable."
This went on for two years, until my mom decided to homeschool me, starting my freshman year of high school. Even then, Coach Daft had given me his school e-mail so that I could talk if I needed anything.
Moving forward, in August 2016, I had to have surgery and began to be very sick after my surgery due to an unknown food allergy. Due to me being sick all the time, I lost a lot of weight; like sixty pounds in four months. At this point, I had kind of stopped eating all together and began to become anorexic. I had a specific weight I had to stay above or I was in deep trouble.
The following summer, I went to a camp at a friend's church. The camp started on Monday morning and went until Friday evening. The Lord started to work in my heart on Monday night and convict me of what I was doing to myself. I knew my body was supposed to be a temple, but I didn't really care. That was the one thing in my life that I had complete control over, and I planned on controlling it. I can just remember hearing Jesus saying, "Give it up, my child. You can be free. You can be clean. You can be healthy. I love you. You are mine."
So I talked to one of my leaders on Tuesday night after service, and he told me his testimony and that he had been through the same things. So that night he and his wife just prayed over me and I gave it all up. I quit cutting and started eating. I walked out of depression and fear and learned what it was like to love life again.
That was July 11, 2017, and all glory to God, I've been clean ever since.
SIDE NOTE- In March 2017, I performed at my piano recital and sang "Set A Fire," and that is the moment when God called me into worship ministry. I will never forget the feeling of hearing the Lord speak that over me and call me into the great unknown.
In October of 2017, I began to find myself infatuated with a guy. We had officially started dating in March of 2018, but had been an item for a while. He had been the first one to meet me as a new friend after my crazy history. That relationship didn't last very long and things went south. We are no longer together and God has blessed me beyond anything I could ever imagine with a new beau.
In November of 2017, I found out I was going to be moving about an hour away. I struggled with the thoughts of leaving Knoxville. For me it meant that I was losing my "boyfriend," my family, and all my friends. Knoxville was the only portion of my life that I remembered well. It was home to me. I FOUGHT my parents and God about it. But, we moved at the end of November 2017.
Even though we had moved, I didn't really stop fighting God and begin to enjoy our lives here until the middle of March 2018.
I went to summer camp the last week of June 2018. Since we had moved, my anxiety had been at an all time high. I was having anxiety attacks everyday, multiple times a day, even.
So Tuesday night, June 26, 2018, me and all the girls in my cabin got talking about anxiety and the bondage it had on my life. One of the girls in my cabin asked if they could all come sit on my bed and pray over me. They did, and as soon as my roommate began to pray, I could physically feel the anxiety leave my body. (It still gives me chills to type it) Then my counselor, Brittany, told me that while my roommate was praying that God had given her a vision of me and it was so crazy.
Brittany said, "God showed her that I was standing in the center of a circle full of people who were anxious and scared. I then just laid down on the ground and became a river. Everyone quickly rested in peace and was okay." It is still crazy to think about, but God works in such mighty ways.
(I made it without a single anxiety attack for eighteen weeks.)
On Thursday night of that same week, I decided that it was time to give everything to God. It was time to surrender to family, my job, my church, my school, my future plans, my future relationships, my friendships, and EVERYTHING. The release that came from that was freeing.
On Saturday, June 30, 2018, I was baptized in Norris Lake. That baptism was a declaration of freedom and complete surrender to Jesus. I was drowning anxiety, fear, and everything else in the blood of Jesus. I was the only one who was supposed to be baptized that night, but because I took a step in faith, so many others decided to step out and drown things in Jesus' blood, as well.
Being baptized was such a step in faith for me, because I was afraid of what my parents would say. For me it was more important to listen to what Jesus was telling me, than to worry about anything else.
God has been so amazing and providing more than I could ever imagine, ever since.
Thank you for reading my story. I hoped it helped you or touched you in some way. No, I do not have all my life together...not even close. I still struggle with anxiety and I still struggle with not feeling "small enough" or "pretty enough," that's just life. But let me tell you, Jesus can bring you from the bottom of the deepest, darkest pit you can imagine yourself being in. I love you all so much!!
love always,
Iz💛💛
"If I told you my story, you would hear hope, that wouldn't let go. And if I told you my story, you would love, that never gave up. And if I told you my story, you would hear life, but it wasn't mine. If I should speak, then let it be of the grace that is greater than all my sin and when justice was served and where mercy wins...of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in. Oh to tell you my story, is to tell of Him."
-My Story, Big Daddy Weave
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